Friday, May 29, 2015

When Life Clicks // Birthday Reflections

Every day I wake up, I drink coffee, I eat breakfast, I read some blogs, I get ready for the day. I get dressed, I put on make up, I practice or go to school, or work, or whatever. This is my ritual.

I love routine. I love that each morning is the same, though each day yields something different. And when my morning routine is different, well, I love that too.

Sometimes I think about my life right now. I think about how different it is from my life a year ago, or two or three years ago. I think about how much I loved my life way back then, how much I hated my life a bit later, and how much I love my life now. And how very different the feeling of love is now, from back then.

It's a weird thing to be so observant, so self-aware. I don't think most people are (which can be frustrating, but that's a whole different thing). It's a weird thing to be able to look at my life like a deck of playing cards, laid out for me to peruse whenever I'm feeling particularly happy or nostalgic. "Well this thing was good, this thing not so much, this person worth it, this one not so much", I say to myself. I look at the way things are now: the people in my life, the things I am doing, the opportunities I have, the way I can afford to live. And I am happy. Really happy. Because how lucky am I, to get to do what I want to do everyday, work with the people I get to work with, and have such incredible, real, friends? (very lucky)

Maybe it's not luck, but good karma. Maybe it's the kindness I attempt to add to other people's lives coming back to me. I don't know, maybe. Whatever it is, it's clicking. Everything is in place, and I am grateful. Grateful for my health, my people, my things, my work, all of it. Every bit.
(my favorite quote maybe ever, and what I tell myself on bad days ;) )

So today, I turn 23. The 23rd year was hard, but the most rewarding year I think I've had so far. (how cool that I can say that?!) Here's where I am now:

I have a job that I (mostly, usually) like. It's not a lot of money, but it basically allows me to be social, which is great.

I'm going back to Europe this summer! Another week in Belgium with Dr. Spring, this time ALSO with Dr. Bish. To say I am excited would be an understatement. My mother will also be meeting me in Europe to travel to Holland and England, after Belgium. I am SO spoiled, and SO stoked.

I've been struggling a bit with body image. This whole year, really. Since I haven't been getting sick much at all, I gained a fair amount of weight. Frankly I'm probably at a normal and healthy weight now, but I'm not used to my body this way and I'm certainly not used to so many of my pants not fitting...and I hate exercising. I really do, I just can't get into it. So I'm working on it, but it's like a really really slow process. (I also bought pants that fit properly; no need to try to squeeze into tiny pants and then feel like shit about yourself).

I got a new mouthpiece for my clarinet, and now I have to re-learn how to play at the level I was playing at all this year -_- Frustrating and tedious, but for the best.

That being said, this was the first year where I could actually feel the progress I made in college, and the progress I was making as a graduate student. All the frustration DOES pay off!

Living across the country from all of your family is HARD. There are times when I want nothing more than to be able to go home for a weekend and pretend I'm not an adult. But since moving to Arizona, I am more independent and self-sufficient than I have ever been (maybe out of necessity, but I like to think it's also because I am those things, ha).

The friends I've kept and made since moving are some of the best people ever, I am convinced.

Here's to 24 :)


  1. I'm grateful for YOU! Your quirkiness and sass, your humility and sweetness. I'm pumped you're heading back to Belgium! Only sad I'm not there to welcome you! Happy Birthday again! xxo.

    1. Aw, Annie! As always thank you for your kind words :) I need recs for a day in Brussels!!


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