Tuesday, July 1, 2014

On Getting Back to "Happy"

Rebecca gave me some really good advice before she left for camp, in a moment of frustration with me being mopey and generally a downer. She told me to just not talk about him at all, just don't bring him up if something reminds me of him or if something pops into my head. And then eventually, he just wouldn't be on my mind as much.

Well, she was right. It's difficult, because generally I just kind of say whatever's in my head when I'm around family/close friends, and for such a long time everything in my life somehow related back to this one person. But once I stopped doing that, I slowly lost the urge to just blurt things out whenever he popped into my head. I stopped bringing him up as much, even if it was relevant. I started just leaving him out of stories or certain experiences. I started referring to him as my "ex-boyfriend" instead of "John". Kind of de-humanizing him, in a way, but maybe that's what I needed. Those memories are mine and they're still there (although sometimes I wish they weren't), but I don't need to share them with others all the time. Nobody wants to hear it, and that's just holding on to something that no longer exists.

And now, several weeks after Rebecca desperately snapped at me to stop talking about it, I'm glad she did. Because now, although I'm nowhere near perfect and I still often feel that crippling loneliness that comes with loss of any sort, I can honestly say that I am happy. Not as happy as I eventually hope to be, but happy. I have good days and I have bad days, but lately I've definitely had more of the good. And the good have been really good. I have a lot of love and laughter in my life, and I know it.
So two snaps that essentially sum up the past couple weeks at home: I got my new glasses (they are purple and I love them), and Roxy, my shadow. I can't sit down for even a moment without her climbing into my lap or trying to lay on my stomach. IT'S SO CUTE. I don't know how I'm going to leave her in two weeks... *insert crying emoji here*
And YEAH, you heard me. I leave for Tempe in two weeks. Real life is happening!!! Things are pretty (mostly) good.


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