John broke up with me a few weeks back. I've been hesitant to write about it, unsure of what to do with this blog...I started this blog when we were so happy, when I was so sure about everything and sure that he had a permanent place in my life. And now, I'm not really sure of anything.
However poorly I'm handling this break up, he's handling it worse. He's been selfish, and he's made the past three years feel more insignificant to me than I ever thought possible. I never thought I'd feel so small, and I never thought he'd treat me so callously. "My" John is gone. So here we are, and each morning I wake up and I'm still here, breathing, trying to make plans, trying to live my life.
I waited to post this until I was out of Tallahassee, away from the memories, away from having to deal with the fact that someone who said he loved me is now ignoring me completely and ignoring our past. Now I can move on, or at least try. I have a lot of traveling to do, and then a huuuge move across the country. I'm going to continue to post. I like posting here, and I have so many exciting things going for me. Eventually I'll be able to properly appreciate them, and I think blogging may help. I'm not deleting the old posts. Someday, I may want to look at them instead of cringing when they pop up. If I deleted every post that had to do with him, I wouldn't have a blog left. And maybe in the future I will delete the posts anyway...but for the time being, I'm just trying to move forward instead.
The thing is, this break up isn't the type that makes me feel the need to go "soul searching" or anything. I know who I am, and I like who I am. Even though I relied very heavily on him and put all of myself into our relationship (which is a heartbreak of another brand, let me tell you), I don't feel insecure about myself at all. I love the way that I love, and I like loving with everything I have. It's scary and yes, it leaves me wide open to get hurt, badly, and I don't know if I will ever love like this again, but this is who I am and it's not worth compromising. Maybe someday I'll meet someone who can handle and reciprocate that, and maybe I won't.
All this to say...no, I'm not happy. I'm not okay, not really at all. But I'm pushing through because heartbreak doesn't last forever (and if it does, oh jeez what would life even be). I re-wrote this post like ten times. I debated even writing about it at all, but this is part of my life and that was the whole point of this page...to post about my life. Well, my life has taken a drastic change of course, and that deserves to be documented.
The other day, I was on the phone with my best friend and I expressed frustration with the fact that I felt like I couldn't appreciate how wonderful my close friends have been in the midst of this heartbreak. She said that my loyalty and kindness and friendship is the reason that my friends stepped up to support me, because I deserved that. And she's right, I do. So, thank you to everyone who made me leave my apartment for company the past few weeks. Thank you for inviting me places. Thank you for letting me cry. Thank you for making me laugh. And thank you for being there.
I know the future can only get better; it's hard to believe right now when I'm feeling all of these unpleasant feelings, but I know it's true.
P.S. I graduated from Florida State yesterday! (more on that later...)