Sunday, May 4, 2014

The Thing About Heartbreak

John broke up with me a few weeks back. I've been hesitant to write about it, unsure of what to do with this blog...I started this blog when we were so happy, when I was so sure about everything and sure that he had a permanent place in my life. And now, I'm not really sure of anything.

However poorly I'm handling this break up, he's handling it worse. He's been selfish, and he's made the past three years feel more insignificant to me than I ever thought possible. I never thought I'd feel so small, and I never thought he'd treat me so callously. "My" John is gone. So here we are, and each morning I wake up and I'm still here, breathing, trying to make plans, trying to live my life.

I waited to post this until I was out of Tallahassee, away from the memories, away from having to deal with the fact that someone who said he loved me is now ignoring me completely and ignoring our past. Now I can move on, or at least try. I have a lot of traveling to do, and then a huuuge move across the country. I'm going to continue to post. I like posting here, and I have so many exciting things going for me. Eventually I'll be able to properly appreciate them, and I think blogging may help. I'm not deleting the old posts. Someday, I may want to look at them instead of cringing when they pop up. If I deleted every post that had to do with him, I wouldn't have a blog left. And maybe in the future I will delete the posts anyway...but for the time being, I'm just trying to move forward instead.

The thing is, this break up isn't the type that makes me feel the need to go "soul searching" or anything. I know who I am, and I like who I am. Even though I relied very heavily on him and put all of myself into our relationship (which is a heartbreak of another brand, let me tell you), I don't feel insecure about myself at all. I love the way that I love, and I like loving with everything I have. It's scary and yes, it leaves me wide open to get hurt, badly, and I don't know if I will ever love like this again, but this is who I am and it's not worth compromising. Maybe someday I'll meet someone who can handle and reciprocate that, and maybe I won't.

All this to say...no, I'm not happy. I'm not okay, not really at all. But I'm pushing through because heartbreak doesn't last forever (and if it does, oh jeez what would life even be). I re-wrote this post like ten times. I debated even writing about it at all, but this is part of my life and that was the whole point of this page...to post about my life. Well, my life has taken a drastic change of course, and that deserves to be documented.

The other day, I was on the phone with my best friend and I expressed frustration with the fact that I felt like I couldn't appreciate how wonderful my close friends have been in the midst of this heartbreak. She said that my loyalty and kindness and friendship is the reason that my friends stepped up to support me, because I deserved that. And she's right, I do. So, thank you to everyone who made me leave my apartment for company the past few weeks. Thank you for inviting me places. Thank you for letting me cry. Thank you for making me laugh. And thank you for being there.

I know the future can only get better; it's hard to believe right now when I'm feeling all of these unpleasant feelings, but I know it's true.
xx

P.S. I graduated from Florida State yesterday! (more on that later...)

6 comments:

  1. I've felt all these things. Yours is one of the only documented stories I've read from my peer group about the breakup of a long term relationships. All of my other friends are getting married to boys they've dated for a year so...yeah, it's nice to know I'm not alone, and just know that you're not alone either. Sure I'm dating someone right now, but it's incredibly uncertain with grad school on the horizon for him and all sorts of other changes milling about. But I was with someone for nearly three years, and I still deal with thoughts about that relationship even though we broke up in October. Yes, it gets easier, but it certainly doesn't happen overnight, in a week, or in a month's time. I sometimes find myself worrying that I'll never find someone as good, as loving, as kind, etc. as my ex, but then I remember that soon I'll be graduating and moving out of the bubble we call Florida, and there is so much beyond us. This pain once felt like the end of the world to me, but we have so much more living to do, and you're about to move on into a whole different world.

    The nostalgia part is always what gets me. I had to delete him off all my social media, and even got rid of my Facebook and Twitter for a bit. Now we're cordial, but I don't know if we can ever even go back to being Facebook friends (it sounds so dramatic, but really, I'm not helping anyone if I'm seeing how successful he is/who he's dating/where he's living in two years). It takes time to heal, that's for sure, and sometimes I think I'm doing it the wrong way by just keeping myself busy. Let's face it, though: if it doesn't hurt, then you just wasted three years of your life. Boys can be complete idiots and they are so thoughtless and selfish sometimes, but you gave it your all and that's so brave of you. I'm the girl who ends up feeling numb in a relationship after a while, paralyzed by confusion and uncertainty, so I commend you for your ability to love freely and openly. You are so smart, gorgeous and talented and I know you have exciting things on the horizon. Keep your chin up and always know that you're not alone.

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  2. This is wonderful, Olivia! I was in the same exact spot when Cris and I broke up (a few months after moving out of our dorm together in Landis). To be honest, I'm three years down the road and haven't stopped caring. But, it gets better. And, you move on. And, you'll see light in others. It will take someone very special to make you never think back, but it's possible. Focus on yourself and those around you - You have wonderful friends. You have so many exciting things in your near future, and you'll be able to share them. It may not feel that they're as important because you're not sharing them like you envisioned, but life works in weird ways. <3 Thank you for posting this - it's wonderful.

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  3. Hi Olivia - you don't know me, I've just been a blog follower for a few months. I have to comment on this though, it's so brave of you to put your thoughts and heart out there and so helpful to others too, I'm sure. I know you probably know this, but time is such a great healer. At Christmas (at Christmas!) I was in exactly the same situation as you were - my college boyfriend (who I thought I would marry one day!) broke up with me very abruptly and very publicly and behaved callously and selfishly afterwards, too. In a way I suppose it helps to see a person show off their worst colours, to know that maybe it's best you can't have them anymore if that's the sort of person they are.
    5 months on from my break-up and I still mull over it from time to time, but I certainly know I no longer love my ex-boyfriend and am actually pleased that the breakup came to pass. We are so so young and have so many opportunities ahead of us - and new people to meet! I know it probably seems hopeless now (though from your post, you seem to be dealing with it in a very mature way) but as time passes, this part of your life will fade and the love you had will start to matter less and be channeled into new areas and in new, even better ways. After my breakup I kept thinking 'I'm so much less without him' but after a few weeks, months, I began to think 'I'm so much more without him' and am - even 5 months later - astounded by all the opportunities, travelling and adventures I've been able to experience that I might not have had I still been in a serious relationship.
    Big hugs & hope you are ok xx

    p.s. I second deleting exes from social media. Deleting my ex-boyfriend off Facebook was the best decision I ever made.

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  4. hey, girl. I'm sorry for the hardships you're going through. Heartbreak is never, never easy. I remember when it happened to me thinking it would never, never END. I would feel sad forever. but nope! That's not the case. I remember the worst part was breaking the routine, ya know? But trust me! Everything gets better. It's really cheesy/slightly annoying to say, but, everything does happen for a reason.

    Now, you need to go shopping a little or visit nature a little or plan a trip! It'll be great. Always be around your girlfriends and family. Because they're always the best best best supporters. I wish you the best, and know it does get SO much better xoxox

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  5. Hello,
    I clicked onto your blog link from Bri's blog and i found your post very moving. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Sending you a big hug all the way from Sydney.
    Ronnie xo

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  6. whoa. how did i miss this. EVEN BIGGER *HUG* so well written with so much heart. glad to hear you say you deserve all that good friend lovin, because i was gonna say it ;) breakups are the bad broccoli. sending you lots of strength to keep yourself occupied until the day you wake up and say - phew. that was necessary. warning. im about to sound like every other person you've talked to lately....you have so many amazing things at your foot right now! especially this big move! (ive also missed where to?) it'll be so awkwardly freeing and strengthening to go through that independently. i mean, can you imagine all the cute boys in your new place?! too much? ;) ok. bigger issue :: CONGRATULATIONS! im so excited for you right now. (and having been through a bad, bad break and be where i am today, i can say that missy.)

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