It's hard to move on. It's hard to accept that I may never talk to my best friend for most of college ever again. It's hard to accept that he doesn't want me in his life. It's hard not to blame myself. It's hard to tell myself that there's nothing wrong with me, that I am worthy of good, honest love, that I won't be alone forever. Because it feels like I did something wrong. Like I am unwanted and unworthy. Like I will be alone forever.
My brain knows this isn't true. I have too many wonderful people in my life for that to be true. Wonderful friends don't stick around for jerks, so my brain knows it's not me. But my heart doesn't know anything, and that's really hard.
The thing is, I'm in limbo. Not really meeting new people, not hanging out with many friends I have (because no one is really in Tampa), just waiting until the traveling begins. Moving on, but also, not.
I have some really good days, and some days where I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I dreamt up the past three years of my life. Sometimes I think, did they even really happen? But I know they did, because if they were just a dream then I wouldn't be hung up on it, on someone who doesn't care/doesn't exist for me anymore. Rejection sucks. Being ignored sucks. Being alone, after not being alone for so long, sucks. Being in limbo sucks.
I was talking to one of my best friends about this the other night, and when I expressed to her that I was afraid I would never love like this again, her response really surprised and resonated with me (and made me cry, but let's face it, that's not too difficult these days). She said, and I quote:
"I hope you won't. I hope you love deeper, and are loved more deeply in return. You don't half-ass things, you whole-ass them. That's a good thing!"
I really needed to hear that. And she's right, of course, as best friends often are. So that's my mantra for the time being. When I get upset, that's what I'm going to tell myself. I know this isn't easy. I'm not expecting to wake up one day and just be okay. Some people (like John) may be able to do that, but alas, I was cursed with caring too much and it is not that simple for me. But she's right. I'm better off for it.xx