I am exhausted. Physically, and especially emotionally.
Traveling is tiring. Going back and forth between times zones is tiring. Even though it's only been a one or two hour difference, it takes it's toll, and I find myself wanting to nap every afternoon. Around 4pm, I am just done.
Traveling is stressful. Will the flight be on time? Will I miss the connection? Will it be cancelled? Will it be too icy to get around town? Will my reeds work? Will the school of music be unlocked so I can practice or warm-up? What if I tank the audition? What if my hands get sweaty and shaky? What if I forget how to play the clarinet? What if I get sick and throw up before my audition? I'm spending so much money flying out there, paying for hotels and foods, what if they don't accept me? What a pain in the ass.
Initially, it's exciting to go to a new city and sight-see. I mean, who wouldn't enjoy that? New food, new places, getting lost ;) But then you have to focus on the fact that you're not there to enjoy, you're there to work. You're there to nail an audition, get accepted, get an assistantship, get financial aid. So basically, after the initial excitement of feeling like you're on vacation, it's just nausea and fear. And I don't know about you, but when I don't perform as well as I know I can, I just get all sad and homesick. It's hard to enjoy your evening when you're bummed out, you know?
I come back to Tallahassee completely wiped out and irritable. Poor John, that guy has to navigate the choppy waters that are my emotions lately. They are so unpleasant. Sometimes I'm cranky for no reason, and I snap at him after every comment regardless of what he said. Sometimes I just cry seemingly out of nowhere because I'm feeling so overwhelmed, I want more attention, I'm scared of the future, or I just plain missed him. OR all of the above! (On the other hand, NOTHING is better than how happy John is to see me after I've been gone for 3-4 days. He makes me so happy.)
Guys, it is exhausting being so emotional. I feel like I have no control over it anymore, I am just a mess of tears and stomach aches and bad hair days.
I'm over traveling, and I'm over grad school auditions. I just spent 2 hours dealing with the fact that my flights to Detroit this week were cancelled. As much as I'm looking forward to being in Boulder, CO for my last audition, I can not wait to put this time behind me and get my life back to normal.
Photos from Austin this past weekend to come soon.