Monday, February 4, 2013

Thoughts on Being Sick

This will be a blog post filled with thoughts that are probably TMI. TMI of the most rambly sort. So if you don't want to hear it, I won't be offended if you don't scroll down any farther.
I get sick a lot. Like, a lot a lot.
Predictably every other day or so, my head is in that toilet and my body is doing everything it can to turn against me. It's a funny thing to know when you're going to be sick. It's funny purely because there is nothing you can do about it. That nausea will not go away until something is done about it and by golly something WILL be done about it. And that's when my head goes in that toilet and I start working out my abs. Wish I was kidding.

It's not easy being sick all the time. It's really really hard. It keeps me from doing things that need to be done and it makes me very sad. To my friends, I'm sorry. It sounds like I'm always making excuses, but truly that is not the case. I wish it was, I really do. I cry a lot because of how much I (and in turn, John) miss out on fun things and because of how sad it makes me. I cry and John rubs my tum and tells me to stop apologizing to him but I can't help it because I feel so guilty for dragging him into this. This isn't his problem, you know. (But he's so nice, he just tells me to shut up and stop saying sorry, I mean really what a guy!) As hard as I try, I just can't help how sad it makes me. Being so sick and feeling so weak is a troublesome thing. It can, and often does, ruin the whole day. Sometimes several days in a row. Sometimes a full week, like this past week. Making the choice to just be happy and to push through it is so difficult for me because when I am sick I can't focus, I can't eat or drink, and I either want to sleep all the time or sometimes can't even fall asleep. When I do fall asleep, I am uncomfortable. I toss and turn and my body hurts from all the stress of the retching and the crying and when I wake up, I am dehydrated and sore and drowsy. On top of this, it is both annoying and embarrassing feeling sick in the middle of a school day. Usually, I can make it until I get home but sometimes, it's out of my hands. It's embarrassing mostly because most people don't understand the full extent of what I'm dealing with and I feel judged and I hate feeling judged, but then maybe that's why I'm writing this. That or I just have a lot of feelings that are itching to get out.

Nobody knows what exactly is wrong with me. I've seen 3 different gastroentrologists (I wonder if I spelled that right?) since my stomach problems got really bad my junior year of high school. I have Crohn's Disease. I do, it's a thing that I know that I have. But hello, that's under control. My medicine for Crohn's Disease is working (I'm taking Humira for anyone who might care to know) and there is no apparent reason why I should be in an almost constant state of nausea, usually followed by throwing up. It's extra frustrating when even your doctors don't know what to do.

So here I am. 20 years old with the health problems of a 50-something year old. Dealing with things that sometimes feel far beyond my years, both physically and emotionally. They don't teach you how to take care of yourself like this anywhere. It's something I'm learning as I go, with the help of my family and close friends. I know, I'm not the only one. I know many many people have it much worse than I. And I know that I am whining. I am the Queen of Whining When I Am Sick. But this is my blog and these are my feelings and I wanted to share them because maybe somebody is having some similar problems and maybe they will not feel as alone as I sometimes do. And since it's pretty much a constant thing, I'm allowed to whine a little, right? 
xx

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